On Perspectives

Over the last couple of days i have been listening to 'Biting Your Tail' by Iron and Wine…i’ve laid down some of my favorite verses of this song…

May your mouth betray your wisdom
May you lose what you offer gladly
Someday all make a face worth slapping
May you end there bruised and purple
Know that peace is the shape of a circle
Around and around you go, biting your tail
Little children, the wind is whipping
Short hands on a clock still ticking
May your words be well worth stealing
Put your hand on your heart when singing
The choir’s sick of the song but they’ve still got to stand

and then…May you learn from the view where you’re kneeling

This takes me back to something that i never thought i’d think of again. One morning while waiting for my coffee at Taylors Saint Baristas next to work (it’s great australian barista btw…makes my mornings feel much more warming) i was observing people passing while queuing outside of the tiny little coffee house. there was nothing to observe really…people passing like ghosts. same colors, same faces, same expressions, same pace, same purpose, same time, same focus…

then…i see a girl kneeling on the floor in the middle of a walk-only street, with an SLR, taking some pictures and desperately trying to capture an angle as low as possible. i couldn’t really understand what was she taking photos of, what is she trying to see, what can be so interesting about ghosts going to work in the morning, let alone their similar footsteps. i was intrigued by what was this lady seeing that i couldn’t see, or at least thought is worth clicking photos for. the more she kneeled, the more i tried to imagine the kind of pics she’s taking and mentally picturing them and questioning whether its a photo i would look twice on…(yes i had nothing better to do while waiting for my coffee that morning).
then…i hear someone shouting: ”Don’t put ur face down there…u know how many people spit on this floor everyday? “. An unnoticed beggar on the other side of the pavement was sitting down, in her usual spot (so it seemed), with her dog. I dont thing anyone heard what the lady beggar said, certainly not the photographer who was getting even more determined in getting her photos from the floor’s angle.
For some reason, the beggar’s statement ridiculed the photographer’s action, and ridiculed my questioning or curiosity in a fairly unusual thing happening on this street that morning.

yes, people have different perspectives, that is of no surprise. but seeing perspective put into perspective was interesting. and this is what the song’s words made me think of…that when kneeling, we are better off looking around us. looking for the people with us, next to us, or people who have been there and done that. the beggar spends 80% of her day laying or sitting on the floor…im not sure what the photographer wanted to see…neither did the beggar. For her, its the ‘norm’ and not the ‘view’ or the ‘angle’ nor the ‘perspective’. There is nothing interesting there. there is only people spitting.

so…may you learn from the view where you’re kneeling and may you see what s worth seeing…may you see the beauty in ‘different’ when you are kneeling and when you are reaching…

furaha xxx

Stop...Pause...Reflect

Yesterday i went to an experimental cinema event, where a whole venue is tuned into a 'secret movie' setting and all of the attendees become part of the setting, engaging with the actors, looking for clues, passwords, characters...and by the end, the movie is screened. i was so impressed by the whole thing. the movie 'A Third Man' was about post war vienna amid black market and police invading the whole of the city which had american french british and russian influences.
In the middle of the post-was vienna setting, my friends and I started our discussion on theatre, cinema and acting. they are taking acting classes and they shared some of the techniques they were learning. an old technique was to start by introspecting and be able to feel one's emotions in order to feel any emotion and be able to act it. a newer technique refutes the latter and stresses on repetition as a means of getting emotions right. and it made me think...is introspection really necessary?
Introspective by nature, i have a need to analyze, explain and understand the big and the small things that happen in my life...it keeps me on top of things, it empowers me at times, it makes me find peace at others, it enrich me and gets me closer to reality. it makes me move forward. but it surely does drain my energy. however, im too scared to side track my feelings, thoughts and emotions. i take it as a sign of denial and weakness.
but through my conversation with my friends, i realized that it might be a sign of immaturity too...that sometimes not introspecting is the right thing to do and the mature way to go about things. the ability to just 'let go', and to let things take their course is the harder way and not the easy way out like i used to think. especially in situations and with people that are not worth all these thoughts and all this time dwelling upon. thoughts are precious. we sometimes spend endless amount of time thinking about crap. training myself to filter my thoughts and choose what to introspect on and not to is the way to go about it i thought...
so my technique is to STOP...PAUSE...REFLECT...stop whenever a thought comes to my mind...pause and assess whether its worth it or its not and evaluate how will me dwelling on that certain thought is going to change things (if any) and then reflect if its really necessary.
most of the times, consciously stopping our chain of thoughts right there prevent so many unneeded negative vibes and frees our thoughts to more useful and productive ones.

furaha xxx

Solace

Recently, i have endured a situation. im not really sure if the terms endured and situation go together. but that is the best i can describe it. i dont really know what it was, how it happened, the things that led to that situation, the outcomes of it, the reasons to it...did i analyse it? oh yes...i've tossed it around countless amount of times in my head. did i reach a conclusion? no i didnt...

did i DO something about it?

that is the real question...and no...i didnt...why? well partly because of an advice of a friend saying:

'You will find that throughout these situations, the only thing you re left with is how you acted and reacted. In the long term, you will find solace in the maturity of your reactions. It will empower you, trust me.'

I guess i ve always underestimated the power of the 'maturity of my actions and reaction', as my friend described it. Often, many different factors play a role in how we respond to different situations. We always end up calling when we know we shouldnt have, we always end up sending emails saying stuff we wished we didnt, we always laugh when we shouldnt, cry when we dont want to, get angry, be too soft, look too emotion(al)/(less)...and we rewind and wish we ve done this or done that. its normal...
or we toughen up and do the 'right' thing, which takes alot of energy and effort from our part. we ll be thinking it over and over and we would still have this tiny bit of doubt if we REALLY are doing the right thing. and eventually what took alot of effort to do, with time, will become the norm and we'll be fine.

but...i ve found a new way of solace. a much easier and quicker one. works like magic! try it... all it takes is to first identify the mature way to act and react. then to be consciously aware of how good u feel for doing the right thing. to channel ur thoughts towards u, and the effects ur reactions and actions are having upon u. channel ur thoughts to that, away from what u really *want* to do. its a matter of focus. because sometimes, even when doing the right thing, we keep thinking of the desired action which drains us either way! so find the strength in u and embrace it. be proud of it. let it empower u. as i trusted my friend, trust me...it will empower u:)

furaha x

My Orchid amid my move

A year and a bit down the line it was about time i move from my little cozy studio to a full fledged home. Not that the studio did not give me the sense of a home, but a little more space i thought would make me feel more settled perhaps? Studio=short-term vs. 1 or 2 bedroom= long-term? im not rally sure about that but i needed the change...more or less rooms did not matter. but i entered my little studio a year ago with no goals no expectations no foreseen future no certainty what so ever. I came to london for an internship while i look for a permanent job, and when this happened, the studio slowly slowly became more of a home to me but it still shouted out uncertainty in my life.

Amid my move i was damn surprised with the amount of crap one accumulates during a year. Anyhow...bags, boxes (lots of them), luggage, bubble wrapped furniture etc etc all in the entrance of the building waiting to be loaded onto the truck, there lied my Orchid on top of everything. it had no petals/flower as they have all fallen down...looked pretty dead for the caretaker and the movers who were loading box after box. 'I wouldnt be taking that', they must have thought. Till the caretaker spilled it out: 'This would look really nice in here( the entrance of the building im moving out from)' implying 'Why the hell are u moving this...this 'thing' '. i smiled and didnt say anything but felt quiet klingy to this Orchid...my Orchid.

I guess its because through all the uncertainty, it has been the only certain thing. Certain that if i take care of it and water it it would flower again. The florist told me a trick, not to water it but to actually just take it in with me to the bathroom while showering as all it needs is steam and not water (pretty weird and what is weirder is that i actually did that!!). Otherwise watering it is the first thing i did and the last thing i did before and after a vacation. At times taking it to the kitchen for more light at others bringing it back to the room for contemplation. Soooo, damn right i am taking my orchid with me...

After this chain of thoughts i calmed my nerves and i actually thought of letting my Orchid go and leave it to the entrance of the building in the caretakers hands if he promised me to water it once every week. Afterall i am in the endeavour of a new beginning and i need to let go. When i suggested that he replied; 'i am no good with flowers i am afraid'. Which reiterates his sarcasm in his first statement.

My rejected Orchid and I finally in the truck we set off to my new home. And i though...of all my belongings in the back of the truck, i chose to hold on to a leafless Orchid in hand. and here i was read yto give it up...give up the uncertainty days...give up the settling era and move to the settled era. wanted to let go of these days...these memories and everything attached to it...including the Orchid. Felt very contradictory. but i needed this Orchid/caretaker episode to prove to myself that by moving into my new 'settled home' nothing will be forgone or forgot...i needed to manage my expectations and know that to be able to move forward i need a reminder of my shaken world in that year instead of suppressing it and leaving it behind. And that is what made me both move homes and move forward JUST LIKE THAT in the van on the way from my old studio to my new home and my (not so rejected) Orchid still in hand. Upon my arrival, the Orchid was the first item to move in and be carefully placed on a table overlooking the Thames:)

New beginning...Old Orchid...

Furaha xxx

Of pain and patience

'There were moments when she felt a sudden, violent longing for him, but it was only impatience, not pain. She dismissed it, in the confident knowledge that they were both working toward a future that would bring them everything they wanted, including each other. '

Quoted from Atlas Shrugged by Ian Rand (Chapter V The Climax of the D'Anconias)

In two sentences, my whole recent view on relationships has been summarized. And it even goes deeper than that...to two words: PAIN and PATIENCE or lack of it for that matter.

I, and i presume many, often confuse impatience for pain (and not visa versa). My point is, in some relationships, we often tend to feel hurt, feel pain, feel humiliation, weakness or regret. We kind of feel sorry for ourselves, feel so helpless when we 'long' for our partners attention, love, care or even recognition. This feeling of longing can be quiet strong upon us. Doesn't it? And the analysis chain starts: why? doesnt he/she not see that all i need is his/her attention? feel that i matter to him/her? why can't i feel like a priority in his/her life? All it needs is an effort. A small effort. Why cant he/she give that to me if he/she truly loves me? and so on...

When faced with indifference, this feeling of 'longing' for someone can stretch us out. BUT... have we stopped for a moment and asked ourselves: is it really pain we are feeling? does that person on the other end really hurt us? did he/she really does not care? or incapable of love? are we really in pain? or are we just impatient and want to seek our partners love before they get the chance to express that at their own timing and in their own way? don't we just label all the time in between 'indifference' from their part when its just 'impatience' from our part?

I came to believe, patience would solve the big majority of our (what we describe as) unbearable pain. Be it in a relationship, with family, at work, with friends...when we learn how to be patient we save ourselves from getting hurt. Because often, whatever we need or want, is on its way but we are just too eager to get it that when it comes our way we dont appreciate it anymore. we would have just spent so much time WANTING it rather than WAITING for it. though only one letter difference, between want and wait lies a whole view to relationships and life in general. Approaching life with a 'wait'eye gives a different meaning to our existence. It puts us in the center of our own life, and makes all the things we want revolve around us waiting to get into our circle, rather than making our life revolve around the circle of things we want. The latter causes pain, the prior needs patience.

So...be patient...

furaha x