I was just having coffee with a friend. He was telling me the opinion of an older east german man he knew about communism. He asked that man once whether he preferred the situation post-communist era. Expecting a positive answer, my friend was surprised when the old man told him:
The situation is like that: under the Communist system no one could say a word about the president, but i had the luxury to come up to my boss and bitch about her/him to her/his face! Today, i fear my boss more than i care about the president...and i see my boss EVERYDAY.
And he made an interesting link to political systems and power...
Walking back home, i kept on thinking about power, powerful men, powerful women, powerful people, powerful tools, powerful systems, powerful words...thinking of all those people that exerted some kind of power over my well-being over those 26 years...
Arrived home...packed my baggages for Istanbul tomorrow. then i did some popcorn. while waiting for the corns to pop, the thought came back. i related each corn to the people i ve met in my life...they all looked the same, but after i get to know them...after they enter my life...they pop out completely different and not one looks like the other.
there is this seed that pops up first. and i related it to my parents. my first encounter with power. u cant do this...u cant do that...its the popcorn that pops the most. their power affects us at different stages in our life, but its the popped corn that rests first.
other few follow...our teachers...mentors...bosses...friends...pop in pop out.
there is few seeds that burn along the way...some still taste good. but some are toxic. those are the people that put so much pressure on us, some making us better people, some leaving a wound and a bad taste behind.
there is some corns that pop only once, but a full pop. these are the people that come is so powerfully into my life. came in so quickly and left this huge impact on me without knowing why. its so weird the feeling they leave behind. the emptiness they keep us in...and it takes a bit before the next one pops.
some pop half a pop. they re tricky those ones. u still eat them. but they drop to the end of the bowl. u think they went un-noticed. but when u eat it u have a hard time cracking it and it might hurt ur teeth. those are the people u underestimated. the ones u let go, only to find them there at the end of the road. underestimating their power is not good indeed.
and there is the ones that did not pop at all. they go unnoticed... inedible. they get thrown. never get the chance to enter our life or add any taste to it...and i thought...had it popped, how would it look like? would it pop many times? would it burn? would it crack my teeth?
but there is this one seed. only one...when it pops, it produces the loudest sound among other pops. after that, popping slow drastically down till no more popping is heard. that s ME...my seed...my life...my power...when ready to pop no other popping will matter...
enjoy ur popcorns while they pop...they re all there and their power is exerted in different many ways in preparation for the day you pop out. for if they have not popped before you, the right energy and temperature would not suffice for u to pop.
furaha x
Friday, September 9, 2011
Monday, September 5, 2011
THING stage
I just came back from the movies..."Friends with benefits"...silly light sunday movie.
But i stopped at one scene. This old man and was advising his son to go after the woman he loved even he if there was one percent chance that she might be the one because life is short...cliche no?
Only this man had Alzheimer's disease...and it made his statement of 'life is short' much more credible. he said: 'if there is something this THING happening in my head had taught me is that life is really too damn short and u should not waste a minute of it'. this thing...this thing going in his head...brought back long forgotten memories.
My maternal grandma-may she rest in peace- was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease probably long before i could remember. i have glimpses of memories of my grandma when she actually could still remember who i was. very strong woman yet very motherly. i could remember her taking me to her favorite shoes shop and i can picture her very clearly in her kitchen. sadly, that s about it...but, even more sadly, most of what i can remember is all of her different disease stages up to the point where she was breathing but not living...and she stayed in that staged of stillness for a long while before she passed away.
few incidences have stuck in my head...and i might have remembered them from time to time...but very weirdly i have chosen to shut down on my grandma's disease. Probably because i was too young back then to understand what is this THING that was going through her head. Probably because for me she was gone long before she passed away...but...watching this movie today and seeing the facial expression and hearing the tone by which this old man has said "this THING" has made me think. just really think that life is too damn short. we hear it all the time...but for the first time in my life i actually gave it a thought and believed it. Just by playing again in my head the excruciating emotional pain my grandpa , mom, aunt and uncles have went through and especially the pain my grandmother had felt all along her disease days, by remembering that i came to understand that we come into this life with the purpose of living and not reminiscing, regretting, aching, grieving or holding grudges. i realised that i was missing the bigger picture, and when i look at the bigger picture the nitty gritty details that hurt so much do not hurt as much.
One of the incidences i keep remembering is the day my grandma just went on the streets without anyone noticing and got lost for good 4-6hours if i remember correctly, maybe more. all of her four children wandering around the streets of beirut looking for her till she was finally found. my mom actually fainted when she received the call that grandma was found. What was she doing? where did she want to go? what was she thinking? nobody knows. But she probably was feeling this THING in her head.
bigger picture is: we all are going to feel that THING in one way or another. let s make the most out of what is left before the 'thing stage' arrives.
furaha x
But i stopped at one scene. This old man and was advising his son to go after the woman he loved even he if there was one percent chance that she might be the one because life is short...cliche no?
Only this man had Alzheimer's disease...and it made his statement of 'life is short' much more credible. he said: 'if there is something this THING happening in my head had taught me is that life is really too damn short and u should not waste a minute of it'. this thing...this thing going in his head...brought back long forgotten memories.
My maternal grandma-may she rest in peace- was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease probably long before i could remember. i have glimpses of memories of my grandma when she actually could still remember who i was. very strong woman yet very motherly. i could remember her taking me to her favorite shoes shop and i can picture her very clearly in her kitchen. sadly, that s about it...but, even more sadly, most of what i can remember is all of her different disease stages up to the point where she was breathing but not living...and she stayed in that staged of stillness for a long while before she passed away.
few incidences have stuck in my head...and i might have remembered them from time to time...but very weirdly i have chosen to shut down on my grandma's disease. Probably because i was too young back then to understand what is this THING that was going through her head. Probably because for me she was gone long before she passed away...but...watching this movie today and seeing the facial expression and hearing the tone by which this old man has said "this THING" has made me think. just really think that life is too damn short. we hear it all the time...but for the first time in my life i actually gave it a thought and believed it. Just by playing again in my head the excruciating emotional pain my grandpa , mom, aunt and uncles have went through and especially the pain my grandmother had felt all along her disease days, by remembering that i came to understand that we come into this life with the purpose of living and not reminiscing, regretting, aching, grieving or holding grudges. i realised that i was missing the bigger picture, and when i look at the bigger picture the nitty gritty details that hurt so much do not hurt as much.
One of the incidences i keep remembering is the day my grandma just went on the streets without anyone noticing and got lost for good 4-6hours if i remember correctly, maybe more. all of her four children wandering around the streets of beirut looking for her till she was finally found. my mom actually fainted when she received the call that grandma was found. What was she doing? where did she want to go? what was she thinking? nobody knows. But she probably was feeling this THING in her head.
bigger picture is: we all are going to feel that THING in one way or another. let s make the most out of what is left before the 'thing stage' arrives.
furaha x
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