Yesterday i went to an experimental cinema event, where a whole venue is tuned into a 'secret movie' setting and all of the attendees become part of the setting, engaging with the actors, looking for clues, passwords, characters...and by the end, the movie is screened. i was so impressed by the whole thing. the movie 'A Third Man' was about post war vienna amid black market and police invading the whole of the city which had american french british and russian influences.
In the middle of the post-was vienna setting, my friends and I started our discussion on theatre, cinema and acting. they are taking acting classes and they shared some of the techniques they were learning. an old technique was to start by introspecting and be able to feel one's emotions in order to feel any emotion and be able to act it. a newer technique refutes the latter and stresses on repetition as a means of getting emotions right. and it made me think...is introspection really necessary?
Introspective by nature, i have a need to analyze, explain and understand the big and the small things that happen in my life...it keeps me on top of things, it empowers me at times, it makes me find peace at others, it enrich me and gets me closer to reality. it makes me move forward. but it surely does drain my energy. however, im too scared to side track my feelings, thoughts and emotions. i take it as a sign of denial and weakness.
but through my conversation with my friends, i realized that it might be a sign of immaturity too...that sometimes not introspecting is the right thing to do and the mature way to go about things. the ability to just 'let go', and to let things take their course is the harder way and not the easy way out like i used to think. especially in situations and with people that are not worth all these thoughts and all this time dwelling upon. thoughts are precious. we sometimes spend endless amount of time thinking about crap. training myself to filter my thoughts and choose what to introspect on and not to is the way to go about it i thought...
so my technique is to STOP...PAUSE...REFLECT...stop whenever a thought comes to my mind...pause and assess whether its worth it or its not and evaluate how will me dwelling on that certain thought is going to change things (if any) and then reflect if its really necessary.
most of the times, consciously stopping our chain of thoughts right there prevent so many unneeded negative vibes and frees our thoughts to more useful and productive ones.
furaha xxx
Monday, December 19, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
Solace
Recently, i have endured a situation. im not really sure if the terms endured and situation go together. but that is the best i can describe it. i dont really know what it was, how it happened, the things that led to that situation, the outcomes of it, the reasons to it...did i analyse it? oh yes...i've tossed it around countless amount of times in my head. did i reach a conclusion? no i didnt...
did i DO something about it?
that is the real question...and no...i didnt...why? well partly because of an advice of a friend saying:
'You will find that throughout these situations, the only thing you re left with is how you acted and reacted. In the long term, you will find solace in the maturity of your reactions. It will empower you, trust me.'
I guess i ve always underestimated the power of the 'maturity of my actions and reaction', as my friend described it. Often, many different factors play a role in how we respond to different situations. We always end up calling when we know we shouldnt have, we always end up sending emails saying stuff we wished we didnt, we always laugh when we shouldnt, cry when we dont want to, get angry, be too soft, look too emotion(al)/(less)...and we rewind and wish we ve done this or done that. its normal...
or we toughen up and do the 'right' thing, which takes alot of energy and effort from our part. we ll be thinking it over and over and we would still have this tiny bit of doubt if we REALLY are doing the right thing. and eventually what took alot of effort to do, with time, will become the norm and we'll be fine.
but...i ve found a new way of solace. a much easier and quicker one. works like magic! try it... all it takes is to first identify the mature way to act and react. then to be consciously aware of how good u feel for doing the right thing. to channel ur thoughts towards u, and the effects ur reactions and actions are having upon u. channel ur thoughts to that, away from what u really *want* to do. its a matter of focus. because sometimes, even when doing the right thing, we keep thinking of the desired action which drains us either way! so find the strength in u and embrace it. be proud of it. let it empower u. as i trusted my friend, trust me...it will empower u:)
furaha x
did i DO something about it?
that is the real question...and no...i didnt...why? well partly because of an advice of a friend saying:
'You will find that throughout these situations, the only thing you re left with is how you acted and reacted. In the long term, you will find solace in the maturity of your reactions. It will empower you, trust me.'
I guess i ve always underestimated the power of the 'maturity of my actions and reaction', as my friend described it. Often, many different factors play a role in how we respond to different situations. We always end up calling when we know we shouldnt have, we always end up sending emails saying stuff we wished we didnt, we always laugh when we shouldnt, cry when we dont want to, get angry, be too soft, look too emotion(al)/(less)...and we rewind and wish we ve done this or done that. its normal...
or we toughen up and do the 'right' thing, which takes alot of energy and effort from our part. we ll be thinking it over and over and we would still have this tiny bit of doubt if we REALLY are doing the right thing. and eventually what took alot of effort to do, with time, will become the norm and we'll be fine.
but...i ve found a new way of solace. a much easier and quicker one. works like magic! try it... all it takes is to first identify the mature way to act and react. then to be consciously aware of how good u feel for doing the right thing. to channel ur thoughts towards u, and the effects ur reactions and actions are having upon u. channel ur thoughts to that, away from what u really *want* to do. its a matter of focus. because sometimes, even when doing the right thing, we keep thinking of the desired action which drains us either way! so find the strength in u and embrace it. be proud of it. let it empower u. as i trusted my friend, trust me...it will empower u:)
furaha x
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
My Orchid amid my move
A year and a bit down the line it was about time i move from my little cozy studio to a full fledged home. Not that the studio did not give me the sense of a home, but a little more space i thought would make me feel more settled perhaps? Studio=short-term vs. 1 or 2 bedroom= long-term? im not rally sure about that but i needed the change...more or less rooms did not matter. but i entered my little studio a year ago with no goals no expectations no foreseen future no certainty what so ever. I came to london for an internship while i look for a permanent job, and when this happened, the studio slowly slowly became more of a home to me but it still shouted out uncertainty in my life.
Amid my move i was damn surprised with the amount of crap one accumulates during a year. Anyhow...bags, boxes (lots of them), luggage, bubble wrapped furniture etc etc all in the entrance of the building waiting to be loaded onto the truck, there lied my Orchid on top of everything. it had no petals/flower as they have all fallen down...looked pretty dead for the caretaker and the movers who were loading box after box. 'I wouldnt be taking that', they must have thought. Till the caretaker spilled it out: 'This would look really nice in here( the entrance of the building im moving out from)' implying 'Why the hell are u moving this...this 'thing' '. i smiled and didnt say anything but felt quiet klingy to this Orchid...my Orchid.
I guess its because through all the uncertainty, it has been the only certain thing. Certain that if i take care of it and water it it would flower again. The florist told me a trick, not to water it but to actually just take it in with me to the bathroom while showering as all it needs is steam and not water (pretty weird and what is weirder is that i actually did that!!). Otherwise watering it is the first thing i did and the last thing i did before and after a vacation. At times taking it to the kitchen for more light at others bringing it back to the room for contemplation. Soooo, damn right i am taking my orchid with me...
After this chain of thoughts i calmed my nerves and i actually thought of letting my Orchid go and leave it to the entrance of the building in the caretakers hands if he promised me to water it once every week. Afterall i am in the endeavour of a new beginning and i need to let go. When i suggested that he replied; 'i am no good with flowers i am afraid'. Which reiterates his sarcasm in his first statement.
My rejected Orchid and I finally in the truck we set off to my new home. And i though...of all my belongings in the back of the truck, i chose to hold on to a leafless Orchid in hand. and here i was read yto give it up...give up the uncertainty days...give up the settling era and move to the settled era. wanted to let go of these days...these memories and everything attached to it...including the Orchid. Felt very contradictory. but i needed this Orchid/caretaker episode to prove to myself that by moving into my new 'settled home' nothing will be forgone or forgot...i needed to manage my expectations and know that to be able to move forward i need a reminder of my shaken world in that year instead of suppressing it and leaving it behind. And that is what made me both move homes and move forward JUST LIKE THAT in the van on the way from my old studio to my new home and my (not so rejected) Orchid still in hand. Upon my arrival, the Orchid was the first item to move in and be carefully placed on a table overlooking the Thames:)
New beginning...Old Orchid...
Furaha xxx
Amid my move i was damn surprised with the amount of crap one accumulates during a year. Anyhow...bags, boxes (lots of them), luggage, bubble wrapped furniture etc etc all in the entrance of the building waiting to be loaded onto the truck, there lied my Orchid on top of everything. it had no petals/flower as they have all fallen down...looked pretty dead for the caretaker and the movers who were loading box after box. 'I wouldnt be taking that', they must have thought. Till the caretaker spilled it out: 'This would look really nice in here( the entrance of the building im moving out from)' implying 'Why the hell are u moving this...this 'thing' '. i smiled and didnt say anything but felt quiet klingy to this Orchid...my Orchid.
I guess its because through all the uncertainty, it has been the only certain thing. Certain that if i take care of it and water it it would flower again. The florist told me a trick, not to water it but to actually just take it in with me to the bathroom while showering as all it needs is steam and not water (pretty weird and what is weirder is that i actually did that!!). Otherwise watering it is the first thing i did and the last thing i did before and after a vacation. At times taking it to the kitchen for more light at others bringing it back to the room for contemplation. Soooo, damn right i am taking my orchid with me...
After this chain of thoughts i calmed my nerves and i actually thought of letting my Orchid go and leave it to the entrance of the building in the caretakers hands if he promised me to water it once every week. Afterall i am in the endeavour of a new beginning and i need to let go. When i suggested that he replied; 'i am no good with flowers i am afraid'. Which reiterates his sarcasm in his first statement.
My rejected Orchid and I finally in the truck we set off to my new home. And i though...of all my belongings in the back of the truck, i chose to hold on to a leafless Orchid in hand. and here i was read yto give it up...give up the uncertainty days...give up the settling era and move to the settled era. wanted to let go of these days...these memories and everything attached to it...including the Orchid. Felt very contradictory. but i needed this Orchid/caretaker episode to prove to myself that by moving into my new 'settled home' nothing will be forgone or forgot...i needed to manage my expectations and know that to be able to move forward i need a reminder of my shaken world in that year instead of suppressing it and leaving it behind. And that is what made me both move homes and move forward JUST LIKE THAT in the van on the way from my old studio to my new home and my (not so rejected) Orchid still in hand. Upon my arrival, the Orchid was the first item to move in and be carefully placed on a table overlooking the Thames:)
New beginning...Old Orchid...
Furaha xxx
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Of pain and patience
'There were moments when she felt a sudden, violent longing for him, but it was only impatience, not pain. She dismissed it, in the confident knowledge that they were both working toward a future that would bring them everything they wanted, including each other. '
Quoted from Atlas Shrugged by Ian Rand (Chapter V The Climax of the D'Anconias)
In two sentences, my whole recent view on relationships has been summarized. And it even goes deeper than that...to two words: PAIN and PATIENCE or lack of it for that matter.
I, and i presume many, often confuse impatience for pain (and not visa versa). My point is, in some relationships, we often tend to feel hurt, feel pain, feel humiliation, weakness or regret. We kind of feel sorry for ourselves, feel so helpless when we 'long' for our partners attention, love, care or even recognition. This feeling of longing can be quiet strong upon us. Doesn't it? And the analysis chain starts: why? doesnt he/she not see that all i need is his/her attention? feel that i matter to him/her? why can't i feel like a priority in his/her life? All it needs is an effort. A small effort. Why cant he/she give that to me if he/she truly loves me? and so on...
When faced with indifference, this feeling of 'longing' for someone can stretch us out. BUT... have we stopped for a moment and asked ourselves: is it really pain we are feeling? does that person on the other end really hurt us? did he/she really does not care? or incapable of love? are we really in pain? or are we just impatient and want to seek our partners love before they get the chance to express that at their own timing and in their own way? don't we just label all the time in between 'indifference' from their part when its just 'impatience' from our part?
I came to believe, patience would solve the big majority of our (what we describe as) unbearable pain. Be it in a relationship, with family, at work, with friends...when we learn how to be patient we save ourselves from getting hurt. Because often, whatever we need or want, is on its way but we are just too eager to get it that when it comes our way we dont appreciate it anymore. we would have just spent so much time WANTING it rather than WAITING for it. though only one letter difference, between want and wait lies a whole view to relationships and life in general. Approaching life with a 'wait'eye gives a different meaning to our existence. It puts us in the center of our own life, and makes all the things we want revolve around us waiting to get into our circle, rather than making our life revolve around the circle of things we want. The latter causes pain, the prior needs patience.
So...be patient...
furaha x
Quoted from Atlas Shrugged by Ian Rand (Chapter V The Climax of the D'Anconias)
In two sentences, my whole recent view on relationships has been summarized. And it even goes deeper than that...to two words: PAIN and PATIENCE or lack of it for that matter.
I, and i presume many, often confuse impatience for pain (and not visa versa). My point is, in some relationships, we often tend to feel hurt, feel pain, feel humiliation, weakness or regret. We kind of feel sorry for ourselves, feel so helpless when we 'long' for our partners attention, love, care or even recognition. This feeling of longing can be quiet strong upon us. Doesn't it? And the analysis chain starts: why? doesnt he/she not see that all i need is his/her attention? feel that i matter to him/her? why can't i feel like a priority in his/her life? All it needs is an effort. A small effort. Why cant he/she give that to me if he/she truly loves me? and so on...
When faced with indifference, this feeling of 'longing' for someone can stretch us out. BUT... have we stopped for a moment and asked ourselves: is it really pain we are feeling? does that person on the other end really hurt us? did he/she really does not care? or incapable of love? are we really in pain? or are we just impatient and want to seek our partners love before they get the chance to express that at their own timing and in their own way? don't we just label all the time in between 'indifference' from their part when its just 'impatience' from our part?
I came to believe, patience would solve the big majority of our (what we describe as) unbearable pain. Be it in a relationship, with family, at work, with friends...when we learn how to be patient we save ourselves from getting hurt. Because often, whatever we need or want, is on its way but we are just too eager to get it that when it comes our way we dont appreciate it anymore. we would have just spent so much time WANTING it rather than WAITING for it. though only one letter difference, between want and wait lies a whole view to relationships and life in general. Approaching life with a 'wait'eye gives a different meaning to our existence. It puts us in the center of our own life, and makes all the things we want revolve around us waiting to get into our circle, rather than making our life revolve around the circle of things we want. The latter causes pain, the prior needs patience.
So...be patient...
furaha x
Friday, September 9, 2011
Popped Corns
I was just having coffee with a friend. He was telling me the opinion of an older east german man he knew about communism. He asked that man once whether he preferred the situation post-communist era. Expecting a positive answer, my friend was surprised when the old man told him:
The situation is like that: under the Communist system no one could say a word about the president, but i had the luxury to come up to my boss and bitch about her/him to her/his face! Today, i fear my boss more than i care about the president...and i see my boss EVERYDAY.
And he made an interesting link to political systems and power...
Walking back home, i kept on thinking about power, powerful men, powerful women, powerful people, powerful tools, powerful systems, powerful words...thinking of all those people that exerted some kind of power over my well-being over those 26 years...
Arrived home...packed my baggages for Istanbul tomorrow. then i did some popcorn. while waiting for the corns to pop, the thought came back. i related each corn to the people i ve met in my life...they all looked the same, but after i get to know them...after they enter my life...they pop out completely different and not one looks like the other.
there is this seed that pops up first. and i related it to my parents. my first encounter with power. u cant do this...u cant do that...its the popcorn that pops the most. their power affects us at different stages in our life, but its the popped corn that rests first.
other few follow...our teachers...mentors...bosses...friends...pop in pop out.
there is few seeds that burn along the way...some still taste good. but some are toxic. those are the people that put so much pressure on us, some making us better people, some leaving a wound and a bad taste behind.
there is some corns that pop only once, but a full pop. these are the people that come is so powerfully into my life. came in so quickly and left this huge impact on me without knowing why. its so weird the feeling they leave behind. the emptiness they keep us in...and it takes a bit before the next one pops.
some pop half a pop. they re tricky those ones. u still eat them. but they drop to the end of the bowl. u think they went un-noticed. but when u eat it u have a hard time cracking it and it might hurt ur teeth. those are the people u underestimated. the ones u let go, only to find them there at the end of the road. underestimating their power is not good indeed.
and there is the ones that did not pop at all. they go unnoticed... inedible. they get thrown. never get the chance to enter our life or add any taste to it...and i thought...had it popped, how would it look like? would it pop many times? would it burn? would it crack my teeth?
but there is this one seed. only one...when it pops, it produces the loudest sound among other pops. after that, popping slow drastically down till no more popping is heard. that s ME...my seed...my life...my power...when ready to pop no other popping will matter...
enjoy ur popcorns while they pop...they re all there and their power is exerted in different many ways in preparation for the day you pop out. for if they have not popped before you, the right energy and temperature would not suffice for u to pop.
furaha x
The situation is like that: under the Communist system no one could say a word about the president, but i had the luxury to come up to my boss and bitch about her/him to her/his face! Today, i fear my boss more than i care about the president...and i see my boss EVERYDAY.
And he made an interesting link to political systems and power...
Walking back home, i kept on thinking about power, powerful men, powerful women, powerful people, powerful tools, powerful systems, powerful words...thinking of all those people that exerted some kind of power over my well-being over those 26 years...
Arrived home...packed my baggages for Istanbul tomorrow. then i did some popcorn. while waiting for the corns to pop, the thought came back. i related each corn to the people i ve met in my life...they all looked the same, but after i get to know them...after they enter my life...they pop out completely different and not one looks like the other.
there is this seed that pops up first. and i related it to my parents. my first encounter with power. u cant do this...u cant do that...its the popcorn that pops the most. their power affects us at different stages in our life, but its the popped corn that rests first.
other few follow...our teachers...mentors...bosses...friends...pop in pop out.
there is few seeds that burn along the way...some still taste good. but some are toxic. those are the people that put so much pressure on us, some making us better people, some leaving a wound and a bad taste behind.
there is some corns that pop only once, but a full pop. these are the people that come is so powerfully into my life. came in so quickly and left this huge impact on me without knowing why. its so weird the feeling they leave behind. the emptiness they keep us in...and it takes a bit before the next one pops.
some pop half a pop. they re tricky those ones. u still eat them. but they drop to the end of the bowl. u think they went un-noticed. but when u eat it u have a hard time cracking it and it might hurt ur teeth. those are the people u underestimated. the ones u let go, only to find them there at the end of the road. underestimating their power is not good indeed.
and there is the ones that did not pop at all. they go unnoticed... inedible. they get thrown. never get the chance to enter our life or add any taste to it...and i thought...had it popped, how would it look like? would it pop many times? would it burn? would it crack my teeth?
but there is this one seed. only one...when it pops, it produces the loudest sound among other pops. after that, popping slow drastically down till no more popping is heard. that s ME...my seed...my life...my power...when ready to pop no other popping will matter...
enjoy ur popcorns while they pop...they re all there and their power is exerted in different many ways in preparation for the day you pop out. for if they have not popped before you, the right energy and temperature would not suffice for u to pop.
furaha x
Monday, September 5, 2011
THING stage
I just came back from the movies..."Friends with benefits"...silly light sunday movie.
But i stopped at one scene. This old man and was advising his son to go after the woman he loved even he if there was one percent chance that she might be the one because life is short...cliche no?
Only this man had Alzheimer's disease...and it made his statement of 'life is short' much more credible. he said: 'if there is something this THING happening in my head had taught me is that life is really too damn short and u should not waste a minute of it'. this thing...this thing going in his head...brought back long forgotten memories.
My maternal grandma-may she rest in peace- was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease probably long before i could remember. i have glimpses of memories of my grandma when she actually could still remember who i was. very strong woman yet very motherly. i could remember her taking me to her favorite shoes shop and i can picture her very clearly in her kitchen. sadly, that s about it...but, even more sadly, most of what i can remember is all of her different disease stages up to the point where she was breathing but not living...and she stayed in that staged of stillness for a long while before she passed away.
few incidences have stuck in my head...and i might have remembered them from time to time...but very weirdly i have chosen to shut down on my grandma's disease. Probably because i was too young back then to understand what is this THING that was going through her head. Probably because for me she was gone long before she passed away...but...watching this movie today and seeing the facial expression and hearing the tone by which this old man has said "this THING" has made me think. just really think that life is too damn short. we hear it all the time...but for the first time in my life i actually gave it a thought and believed it. Just by playing again in my head the excruciating emotional pain my grandpa , mom, aunt and uncles have went through and especially the pain my grandmother had felt all along her disease days, by remembering that i came to understand that we come into this life with the purpose of living and not reminiscing, regretting, aching, grieving or holding grudges. i realised that i was missing the bigger picture, and when i look at the bigger picture the nitty gritty details that hurt so much do not hurt as much.
One of the incidences i keep remembering is the day my grandma just went on the streets without anyone noticing and got lost for good 4-6hours if i remember correctly, maybe more. all of her four children wandering around the streets of beirut looking for her till she was finally found. my mom actually fainted when she received the call that grandma was found. What was she doing? where did she want to go? what was she thinking? nobody knows. But she probably was feeling this THING in her head.
bigger picture is: we all are going to feel that THING in one way or another. let s make the most out of what is left before the 'thing stage' arrives.
furaha x
But i stopped at one scene. This old man and was advising his son to go after the woman he loved even he if there was one percent chance that she might be the one because life is short...cliche no?
Only this man had Alzheimer's disease...and it made his statement of 'life is short' much more credible. he said: 'if there is something this THING happening in my head had taught me is that life is really too damn short and u should not waste a minute of it'. this thing...this thing going in his head...brought back long forgotten memories.
My maternal grandma-may she rest in peace- was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease probably long before i could remember. i have glimpses of memories of my grandma when she actually could still remember who i was. very strong woman yet very motherly. i could remember her taking me to her favorite shoes shop and i can picture her very clearly in her kitchen. sadly, that s about it...but, even more sadly, most of what i can remember is all of her different disease stages up to the point where she was breathing but not living...and she stayed in that staged of stillness for a long while before she passed away.
few incidences have stuck in my head...and i might have remembered them from time to time...but very weirdly i have chosen to shut down on my grandma's disease. Probably because i was too young back then to understand what is this THING that was going through her head. Probably because for me she was gone long before she passed away...but...watching this movie today and seeing the facial expression and hearing the tone by which this old man has said "this THING" has made me think. just really think that life is too damn short. we hear it all the time...but for the first time in my life i actually gave it a thought and believed it. Just by playing again in my head the excruciating emotional pain my grandpa , mom, aunt and uncles have went through and especially the pain my grandmother had felt all along her disease days, by remembering that i came to understand that we come into this life with the purpose of living and not reminiscing, regretting, aching, grieving or holding grudges. i realised that i was missing the bigger picture, and when i look at the bigger picture the nitty gritty details that hurt so much do not hurt as much.
One of the incidences i keep remembering is the day my grandma just went on the streets without anyone noticing and got lost for good 4-6hours if i remember correctly, maybe more. all of her four children wandering around the streets of beirut looking for her till she was finally found. my mom actually fainted when she received the call that grandma was found. What was she doing? where did she want to go? what was she thinking? nobody knows. But she probably was feeling this THING in her head.
bigger picture is: we all are going to feel that THING in one way or another. let s make the most out of what is left before the 'thing stage' arrives.
furaha x
Monday, August 29, 2011
Grief...
Why is it that only when we are grieving we energise our soul with the people that love us the most? why and how do we forget their existence and their positive influence on our life? why do we take that for granted up until we reach the point of grief?
How good it feels to be unconditionally loved...no strings attached...no ifs no buts...no effort no limit...How alone do we feel all along, until we realize and accept that we are in a state of grief? Only then we reach out for our mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, best friends...or even good friends. And most importantly only then we reach out to ourselves...Wouldn't be much easier to just reach out BEFORE we get to that state of grief? wouldn't every break up, every bad news, every lay off, every break down be much soother while having all that energy from the people that truly love us all along?
Why,oh why, do we insist on seeking inner peace from the ones that disrupted this peace in the first place? Why we long for their attention, love and care while we know we will not get it? Why do we need their benediction to stand up on our feet again, while all they do is put us down, intentionally or in most cases unintentionally?
I was reading a friend's blog about family...he concludes: I propose a paradigm shift. Allocating the most amount of energy to servicing the individuals who needn’t be impressed or won over by you. The good hearted few who will always be genuinely accepting of you and your bullshit. And to a varying degree, fuck everyone else
i am passing through a rough period, and his blog was a wake up call. i had came to the conclusion that something was missing in this equation, my equation. there was an unbalance somewhere, a miscalculation. i have lost something along the way. Connecting to one s self is definitely part of the equation, but also connecting to your people, your comfort zone is another important aspect. Good thing is, you know they re always there. always always and always. no doubt.
So...i reiterate in my own simple words...love those who love u unconditionally, unconditionally. Remember them more, put your effort and invest your time with them, let them be first on ur priority list. Everyone else can just... u know what:) Whenever u are feeling like u are drowning, instead of longing for those who drowned you, pick up the phone and call your family, your cousin, or a friend that is NOT on your last call list. they are the people that love you the most, care about you the most, know you the most, stand by you the most, wake up for u the most, even if they were fast asleep and tell you: 'no you didnt wake me up, im still up'...and therefore, they will put up with your non-sense the most without judging you.
Choose your grieving buddies wisely my friends...For if u did not, you ll find yourself grieving alone...
furaha x
How good it feels to be unconditionally loved...no strings attached...no ifs no buts...no effort no limit...How alone do we feel all along, until we realize and accept that we are in a state of grief? Only then we reach out for our mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, best friends...or even good friends. And most importantly only then we reach out to ourselves...Wouldn't be much easier to just reach out BEFORE we get to that state of grief? wouldn't every break up, every bad news, every lay off, every break down be much soother while having all that energy from the people that truly love us all along?
Why,oh why, do we insist on seeking inner peace from the ones that disrupted this peace in the first place? Why we long for their attention, love and care while we know we will not get it? Why do we need their benediction to stand up on our feet again, while all they do is put us down, intentionally or in most cases unintentionally?
I was reading a friend's blog about family...he concludes: I propose a paradigm shift. Allocating the most amount of energy to servicing the individuals who needn’t be impressed or won over by you. The good hearted few who will always be genuinely accepting of you and your bullshit. And to a varying degree, fuck everyone else
i am passing through a rough period, and his blog was a wake up call. i had came to the conclusion that something was missing in this equation, my equation. there was an unbalance somewhere, a miscalculation. i have lost something along the way. Connecting to one s self is definitely part of the equation, but also connecting to your people, your comfort zone is another important aspect. Good thing is, you know they re always there. always always and always. no doubt.
So...i reiterate in my own simple words...love those who love u unconditionally, unconditionally. Remember them more, put your effort and invest your time with them, let them be first on ur priority list. Everyone else can just... u know what:) Whenever u are feeling like u are drowning, instead of longing for those who drowned you, pick up the phone and call your family, your cousin, or a friend that is NOT on your last call list. they are the people that love you the most, care about you the most, know you the most, stand by you the most, wake up for u the most, even if they were fast asleep and tell you: 'no you didnt wake me up, im still up'...and therefore, they will put up with your non-sense the most without judging you.
Choose your grieving buddies wisely my friends...For if u did not, you ll find yourself grieving alone...
furaha x
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Stolen away...
for all of us that live in big cities...do not underestimate the power of big cities...
i was speaking with a childhood friend of mine...catching up...exchanging stories (always always feels good with childhood friends).
so she asks: how s london? 'It's good', i said. It s where i want to be, where i left everything for, where i ve always wanted to come back, where i ve built a vision in, where i want to have a career and personal growth...
then she said something that made me think, 'Do not underestimate the power of big cities'.
And i stopped to think that i ve been in London for just about a year now. What changed? What did this city do to me?
Well, i will spare u the details of my life. but funny the things i realised. funny how time slipped away...funny how this big city stole me away. funny how everything changed...so i thought.
Yes its a hub. Big cities are a hub. and no matter what u do, there s always something u are missing on, there is always more to do, and less time to do it. There is no time to breath even on a sunday morning. You always feel the pressure of not doing enough or not doing well, or WELL + ENOUGH. You always feel you are well behind plan, be it work wise or personal wise. So energy wise...we are all drained in big cities like london, or even small ones like beirut.
My message here is to STOP and THINK. think of how is or how can the big city u live in steel you away? how can it at the same time energise u sooo much and dis-energise u even more. and most importantly how did u reach the point where u lost touch with oneself? Yes, everything has changed, but i am still the same...you are still the same.
The problem is, in big cities like that we focus so much on the changes. on how well we are doing at work, how well this is good to our career, how, much we learn and get out of the city. how every step every move is an experience. even getting in the tube everyday, trust me is one of the biggest experiences that i never thought i d learn so much from! but what we always forget to do is to focus on what has NOT changed...funny how things are still the same.
to win the battle of big cities, one must focus on what have not changed...while embrace all the changes happening. Only then, what was not WELL+ENOUGH will be good enough and doing MORE will be an option not a draining necessity.
furaha x
i was speaking with a childhood friend of mine...catching up...exchanging stories (always always feels good with childhood friends).
so she asks: how s london? 'It's good', i said. It s where i want to be, where i left everything for, where i ve always wanted to come back, where i ve built a vision in, where i want to have a career and personal growth...
then she said something that made me think, 'Do not underestimate the power of big cities'.
And i stopped to think that i ve been in London for just about a year now. What changed? What did this city do to me?
Well, i will spare u the details of my life. but funny the things i realised. funny how time slipped away...funny how this big city stole me away. funny how everything changed...so i thought.
Yes its a hub. Big cities are a hub. and no matter what u do, there s always something u are missing on, there is always more to do, and less time to do it. There is no time to breath even on a sunday morning. You always feel the pressure of not doing enough or not doing well, or WELL + ENOUGH. You always feel you are well behind plan, be it work wise or personal wise. So energy wise...we are all drained in big cities like london, or even small ones like beirut.
My message here is to STOP and THINK. think of how is or how can the big city u live in steel you away? how can it at the same time energise u sooo much and dis-energise u even more. and most importantly how did u reach the point where u lost touch with oneself? Yes, everything has changed, but i am still the same...you are still the same.
The problem is, in big cities like that we focus so much on the changes. on how well we are doing at work, how well this is good to our career, how, much we learn and get out of the city. how every step every move is an experience. even getting in the tube everyday, trust me is one of the biggest experiences that i never thought i d learn so much from! but what we always forget to do is to focus on what has NOT changed...funny how things are still the same.
to win the battle of big cities, one must focus on what have not changed...while embrace all the changes happening. Only then, what was not WELL+ENOUGH will be good enough and doing MORE will be an option not a draining necessity.
furaha x
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Touch base
Today im devastated...
you know when u want something just really want something. really really focused on THAT damn thing?? and then u just dont get it? u know how it feels? you must know how it feels. im sure everyone of us has been through something like this whether its a phone call u were waiting form ur loved one, or a grade ur waiting for, or a job u applied for, or a barbie for ur birthday, or a visa for a trip u ve planned or or or...
well today i did not get my thing. and i was devastated.
normally i would just be like : tough luck for me! next time i ll do better or get what i want... but instead today i lost it. and why did i loose it? it took me the whole day to realize why...its because i did not 'touch base' with myself. i was so focused on what i want that i forgot all about ME. all i wanted was that thing...and i lost my mind focusing on it.
what i am trying to say is one should never loose their mind but to one's self. when i finally calmed myself down and touched base with my emotions and reasoned my behaviour i realized that things can be so so so so so so much easier when u have your own self next to yourself. yes my family and friend do help. but they cover the wound and cant heal it. only you can heal it.
coming back home i decided to put my cell phone and ipod away, close my book and magazines and just not think! just look inward and forget all about my thing and my surrounding. the things i realized on this way back, the same route i take every single day, was just amazing. i finally found the medical center im looking for, noticed there is a locks shop right next to my house (why is a locks shop so important you ask? well its because im paranoid if i ever loose my keys how would i change the lock of my house door), i was glad to know there is a yoga center much closer to home, happy to see the new yellow and violet flowers hanged on all the street lights which i ve never noticed before, realized that the little supermarket next to my house which i never go to actually closes late at night and would be ideal for late dinners and so on...
when u look inward, the outside is just much nicer and calmer and makes sense. and actually that THING wouldnt matter that much. because its just a thing...and no matter what u still got YOU:)
so this is a reminder to always always touch base...
furaha x
you know when u want something just really want something. really really focused on THAT damn thing?? and then u just dont get it? u know how it feels? you must know how it feels. im sure everyone of us has been through something like this whether its a phone call u were waiting form ur loved one, or a grade ur waiting for, or a job u applied for, or a barbie for ur birthday, or a visa for a trip u ve planned or or or...
well today i did not get my thing. and i was devastated.
normally i would just be like : tough luck for me! next time i ll do better or get what i want... but instead today i lost it. and why did i loose it? it took me the whole day to realize why...its because i did not 'touch base' with myself. i was so focused on what i want that i forgot all about ME. all i wanted was that thing...and i lost my mind focusing on it.
what i am trying to say is one should never loose their mind but to one's self. when i finally calmed myself down and touched base with my emotions and reasoned my behaviour i realized that things can be so so so so so so much easier when u have your own self next to yourself. yes my family and friend do help. but they cover the wound and cant heal it. only you can heal it.
coming back home i decided to put my cell phone and ipod away, close my book and magazines and just not think! just look inward and forget all about my thing and my surrounding. the things i realized on this way back, the same route i take every single day, was just amazing. i finally found the medical center im looking for, noticed there is a locks shop right next to my house (why is a locks shop so important you ask? well its because im paranoid if i ever loose my keys how would i change the lock of my house door), i was glad to know there is a yoga center much closer to home, happy to see the new yellow and violet flowers hanged on all the street lights which i ve never noticed before, realized that the little supermarket next to my house which i never go to actually closes late at night and would be ideal for late dinners and so on...
when u look inward, the outside is just much nicer and calmer and makes sense. and actually that THING wouldnt matter that much. because its just a thing...and no matter what u still got YOU:)
so this is a reminder to always always touch base...
furaha x
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Accomplishment
On my way back from France, about one year back, i spotted at the airport an ad for HSBC where 3 pictures were showing:
Accomplishment#1: a beauty contest winner
Accomplishment #2: an astronaut that reached the moon
Accomplishment #3: a kid that just tied his shoes for the first time
Then i posed and thought, if i were to frame myself in what is the "biggest"accomplishment of my life how would that picture look like?
Passing through security all the way to the gate then the plane, i sat with the seat belt on, grabbed the "vomit bag"of Air France (nothing like Air liban:) ) and started writing this blog which i never published and found it while cleaning my papers few days back.
I starting reflecting at my so called accomplishments. When and how did i feel satisfied, happy, ecstatic, proud, relieved, strong, independent, free, focused and... accomplished?
There was this time when i opened my email late at night only to discover i have been accepted to a masters program i really wanted to join...another time my finance teacher held me my 100/100 exam back with none of the 100+ students scoring full grade but myself.
When thinking of accomplishments i can not but remember the moment i was on the stage receiving my certificate with honorable mention, my parents in front of me clapping as hard as they can with pride.
I can still remember how good it felt the first time i successfully finished a SUDOKU game, I who have absolutely no patience for such a thing.
Hitting the submit button on the college website the day i submitted my thesis was definitely a day to remember!
But i can not call the above "accomplishments" let alone "biggest accomplishment" of my life. There must be this one thing i did that flipped my life around...a moment where i felt something like never before. Where i experienced something new, something exiting and most importantly something i did not think i would or could do.
It was around 12am on January 2010...Ramson, our tanzanian guide, walks in the room to wake us up but i haven't slept anyways. I get up, get dressed: 1st base layer on, thermal on, fleece on, second fleece on, big fluffy windbreaker jacket on, hiking boots on, 1st gloves on, second gloves on and in between some hand warmers, hat on, walking sticks in hand, backpack on with 3 liters of water, night light on the head, camera and cell phone inside my jacket pockets to keep them warm and off i went outside the room. It was cold...so damn cold! MINUS 10 degrees cold. I was 4,800 meters high at kibo hut on Mount Kilimanjaro. I had been walking for 4 days to arrive to that point and i was about to ascend to the sumit.
I was not feeling anything...i was a bit out of place...doing what i was being told to do. Ramson in front of me and Marhoun, my friend, behind me, we started to "ac send" silently. And we kept ascending one step at a time zigzaging our way up. I didnt look up, the altitude of where we were aiming at freaked me out...i did not look behind, the steepness of the tip frightened me...i was looking down at Ramson's footsteps following them carefully and religiously, from time to time i would glimpse up at the moon. It was so big...perfectly shaped...sooo soooo bright lighting the whole climb for us. And the starts! you could feel they re shaking from all the shininess.
At 5,200m, altitude started to kick in. Sparing you the details, i vomit ted couple of times, fell asleep another couple of times, felt breathless, cold and hot, and very very dizzy. Problem is i could not stop and rest, it was something like -15 degrees, so keep going was the only way.
i lost track of time, but we had walked between 5-6 hours and arrived at Gilmann's point, 5,600m...i looked down only to discover how straight was the climb up.
At this point i had a choice to make...a choice that shaped my life since then.
So Ramson looks at me: "Furaha (meaning farah in Swahili), do u want to continue? Do u want to take a picture at Uhuru?"
"Yes, i do, but...", i replied.
" What you are feeling is normal, i would not let you continue otherwise, look, look there, can u see behind the ice? this is Uhuru peak and if we continue right now we will meet up with Ashi(my other Friend) and Tutu (our other guide) and we will all arrive to the peak at sunrise", Ramson interrupted
I can stop here, take a picture, and go down. I had reached Gilmann's point anyways, it is already a peak...but it is not the peak peak. i wasn't feeling right...i was so tired and sleepy and breathless and exhausted. What choice do i have? I could continue, another God knows how many hours to reach Uhuru Peak...and where is this peak anyways? what is there? a sign saying congrats u arrived? I have a sign right here saying congrats u arrived to Gilmann's @ 5,600m. What will these 200 extra meters do to me? I look down again. It doesnt look too enticing to go down! another 5-6 hours of walk. What i really really wanted is to just be out of here. Out of the mountain...back to ground zero where i can BREATH and move my toes and fingers.
Then i started thinking, i have been looking at Uhuru UP for the last 4 days...and now i am looking almost STRAIGHT. Forgetting for a split of a second how breathless i was i agreed to keep going.
Everything afterwards did not matter. My peak is one that i ve set for myself. Its the first step i took after Gilman's. It is where i took my heart to a limit. "A" limit i did not know existed. Its where i took the decision to exceed my potential, and keep going despite all of what i was feeling. Its not giving up. Its being determinant. Its a point where i got over my fear, or doubt that i will or i CAN continue. Its having an easy way out, still not settling for that and choosing the hard way, the right way. Its i felt satisfied, happy, ecstatic, proud, relieved, strong, independent, free, focused and... accomplished.
I remembered at that point on of the guides telling me what i call the best of advice i've had from anyone. I asked him what makes someone reach the top...how much to drink, eat, the pace to walk at, the time to begin and so on...he then said: 'Be free, be happy and you will make it!'
So i closed my eyes for few seconds and enclosed this feeling deep in my heart and hoped to never let it go. Then i open them and walked my way up to Uhuru peak one breath at a time...I felt free, i felt happy and i made it. These 200 extra meters gave me more then i could ask for...They gave me the feeling of accomlishment.
Furaha x
Accomplishment#1: a beauty contest winner
Accomplishment #2: an astronaut that reached the moon
Accomplishment #3: a kid that just tied his shoes for the first time
Then i posed and thought, if i were to frame myself in what is the "biggest"accomplishment of my life how would that picture look like?
Passing through security all the way to the gate then the plane, i sat with the seat belt on, grabbed the "vomit bag"of Air France (nothing like Air liban:) ) and started writing this blog which i never published and found it while cleaning my papers few days back.
I starting reflecting at my so called accomplishments. When and how did i feel satisfied, happy, ecstatic, proud, relieved, strong, independent, free, focused and... accomplished?
There was this time when i opened my email late at night only to discover i have been accepted to a masters program i really wanted to join...another time my finance teacher held me my 100/100 exam back with none of the 100+ students scoring full grade but myself.
When thinking of accomplishments i can not but remember the moment i was on the stage receiving my certificate with honorable mention, my parents in front of me clapping as hard as they can with pride.
I can still remember how good it felt the first time i successfully finished a SUDOKU game, I who have absolutely no patience for such a thing.
Hitting the submit button on the college website the day i submitted my thesis was definitely a day to remember!
But i can not call the above "accomplishments" let alone "biggest accomplishment" of my life. There must be this one thing i did that flipped my life around...a moment where i felt something like never before. Where i experienced something new, something exiting and most importantly something i did not think i would or could do.
It was around 12am on January 2010...Ramson, our tanzanian guide, walks in the room to wake us up but i haven't slept anyways. I get up, get dressed: 1st base layer on, thermal on, fleece on, second fleece on, big fluffy windbreaker jacket on, hiking boots on, 1st gloves on, second gloves on and in between some hand warmers, hat on, walking sticks in hand, backpack on with 3 liters of water, night light on the head, camera and cell phone inside my jacket pockets to keep them warm and off i went outside the room. It was cold...so damn cold! MINUS 10 degrees cold. I was 4,800 meters high at kibo hut on Mount Kilimanjaro. I had been walking for 4 days to arrive to that point and i was about to ascend to the sumit.
I was not feeling anything...i was a bit out of place...doing what i was being told to do. Ramson in front of me and Marhoun, my friend, behind me, we started to "ac send" silently. And we kept ascending one step at a time zigzaging our way up. I didnt look up, the altitude of where we were aiming at freaked me out...i did not look behind, the steepness of the tip frightened me...i was looking down at Ramson's footsteps following them carefully and religiously, from time to time i would glimpse up at the moon. It was so big...perfectly shaped...sooo soooo bright lighting the whole climb for us. And the starts! you could feel they re shaking from all the shininess.
At 5,200m, altitude started to kick in. Sparing you the details, i vomit ted couple of times, fell asleep another couple of times, felt breathless, cold and hot, and very very dizzy. Problem is i could not stop and rest, it was something like -15 degrees, so keep going was the only way.
i lost track of time, but we had walked between 5-6 hours and arrived at Gilmann's point, 5,600m...i looked down only to discover how straight was the climb up.
At this point i had a choice to make...a choice that shaped my life since then.
So Ramson looks at me: "Furaha (meaning farah in Swahili), do u want to continue? Do u want to take a picture at Uhuru?"
"Yes, i do, but...", i replied.
" What you are feeling is normal, i would not let you continue otherwise, look, look there, can u see behind the ice? this is Uhuru peak and if we continue right now we will meet up with Ashi(my other Friend) and Tutu (our other guide) and we will all arrive to the peak at sunrise", Ramson interrupted
I can stop here, take a picture, and go down. I had reached Gilmann's point anyways, it is already a peak...but it is not the peak peak. i wasn't feeling right...i was so tired and sleepy and breathless and exhausted. What choice do i have? I could continue, another God knows how many hours to reach Uhuru Peak...and where is this peak anyways? what is there? a sign saying congrats u arrived? I have a sign right here saying congrats u arrived to Gilmann's @ 5,600m. What will these 200 extra meters do to me? I look down again. It doesnt look too enticing to go down! another 5-6 hours of walk. What i really really wanted is to just be out of here. Out of the mountain...back to ground zero where i can BREATH and move my toes and fingers.
Then i started thinking, i have been looking at Uhuru UP for the last 4 days...and now i am looking almost STRAIGHT. Forgetting for a split of a second how breathless i was i agreed to keep going.
Everything afterwards did not matter. My peak is one that i ve set for myself. Its the first step i took after Gilman's. It is where i took my heart to a limit. "A" limit i did not know existed. Its where i took the decision to exceed my potential, and keep going despite all of what i was feeling. Its not giving up. Its being determinant. Its a point where i got over my fear, or doubt that i will or i CAN continue. Its having an easy way out, still not settling for that and choosing the hard way, the right way. Its i felt satisfied, happy, ecstatic, proud, relieved, strong, independent, free, focused and... accomplished.
I remembered at that point on of the guides telling me what i call the best of advice i've had from anyone. I asked him what makes someone reach the top...how much to drink, eat, the pace to walk at, the time to begin and so on...he then said: 'Be free, be happy and you will make it!'
So i closed my eyes for few seconds and enclosed this feeling deep in my heart and hoped to never let it go. Then i open them and walked my way up to Uhuru peak one breath at a time...I felt free, i felt happy and i made it. These 200 extra meters gave me more then i could ask for...They gave me the feeling of accomlishment.
Furaha x
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